Fishy business

[The N in Nelson]

FISHY BUSINESS

WelcometoNelson's News

EVERYONECANSEE THATMYHEART'SBEATINGFASTER NOW THATIT'SEVERBEEN

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So! What’s a school without some juicy gossip, am I right? And my goodness, do we have some news. We won’t cover it all today, though, that would just be robbing you all of future entertainment. We’ve seen a lot of drama occurring in the chatroom lately—in tonight’s issue of Nelson’s News, we’re going to bring you up to date on the escapades of Samson Buchanan, Jackson Wilson, and one Dawn Carmichael.

Let’s get things started, shall we? Ladies first, Dawny Doll.

Dawn appeared (or reappeared, as I hear it) not so very long ago with the blatant intention (sources say that she uttered the words herself, just after logging on to that chatroom) of ‘taking over the school’, as it were. All I have to say is good luck, honey, you’re going to need it—particularly if your legs are as spread as you make them out to be. Sluts have their uses, but ruling the school isn’t one of them.

Why a slut, you may ask? Well, it seems as though Dawny Doll has been openly flirting (or sexually harassing) any male figure that she finds to be attractive, including one Judah Fraiser, who, much to the disappointment of the gossip mill, responded in nothing short of an admirable, respectable manner. Props to him, I suppose, as I hear chlamydia is anything but pleasant.

Anywho. Dawny Doll, you should take some advice from my lovely anonymous face and learn to shut your legs and your mouth, and maybe not display your daddy issues so blatantly. Getting to the top is going to take more than sex appeal (and, let’s face it, you don’t even have much of that when it comes right down to it, what with your attitude), so do us a favor and grab some condoms on your way out, and maybe take a trip to the clinic to get rid of that fishy stench.

And speaking of the clinic (or maybe of the fishy stench?), Jackie was spotted there not too terribly long ago with his equally gay counterpart, Tony White. Sources aren’t sure what they were arguing about, but with a few little hints scattered here and there, the E in Nelson believes that the answer lies in Jackie’s pants. Want to read up on our hints? Here’s a few…

Look at Jackie’s face, for one. A little too soft, a little too cute—and that hair. Secondly, did anyone notice how adamant Jackie was about Tony not taking up a dominant role in the bedroom? We did. Moments of hyper masculinization paired with feminine tendencies? Darling, you could have told us. What’s more?

Breaking up with Tony after all of that? Well now, that adds some dynamics to things, doesn’t it? Jackie dear, how are you going to pay for all of that? Sure the drugs didn’t kill whatever chance of fertility you had? Any kiddo of yours would be pretty fucked up.
Tranny tranny tranny.

It’s so sweet. I never thought that I’d know one.

Well. Anyone up for a round of boy’s don’t cry? Though if the talk about his ex-beau being proportionate are true, I doubt there’s any traction left. Sorry kiddos.

Keeping or coat-hangering, Jackoff?

Last, maybe or maybe not least, we have Samson, or as he is better known, Sam. Not much outwardly apparent drama with this one, we’re afraid, but if anyone is paying attention, things are starting to look just a little bit fishy. Girl after girl, isn’t that your habit, Sam my man? Utilizing some attempt at being mysterious to snag girls?

It’s a bit odd, though, that you were target a dyke when there are quite a few other girls who are not only much prettier, but also far more legal… since, you know, this dyke is like… twelve. Don’t you think that’s crossing a bit of a line, Sammy poo? Sources say that he was going around and asking frantically for phone numbers to contact everyone’s least-favorite-not-even-hot lesbian, but then what happened? Were heartfelt love letters sent via text message? Or perhaps something like a… more visual hint of desire?

Watch it, Sam. Your newest target might not take so kindly to your advances.


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